It’s my time… mine.

My biggest issue has always been that I am extremely selfish with my time. I am, giving with money and with help and I am someone who you can always count on but my time is mine and how I spend my time is something that I am extremely territorial over. I’m 22 and compromising my time has always been a no go for me. It was something I saw as mine and no one else’s, especially being so young. My ex and I, you know the one, we never actually got anywhere because of this reason.

I didn’t want to give up time with my friends or time with my family or even time by myself. I didn’t want to have to coordinate our schedules and go out of my way to be with him and sometimes I just rather go to my best friend’s house, hangout with her and our boys and do nothing but chill. I didn’t know how to make the time for him because I kind of didn’t want to. I hated the idea of having to be that girl who gave up outings with friends and adventures because she now had a boyfriend.

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I loved my ex and I felt guilty about how selfish I was with my time, but now he’s back in my life again and as we start to grow more and become stronger together I can’t help but feel my time slipping away.

I want a relationship with him, this I am sure of more than anything this time. My issue is that I am unsure if he’s going to fit into my group of friends the way I hope he will. I am unsure that he will want to do everything I enjoy and I am unsure that him and I will connect the way we’ve always assumed we would. I want my boys, my brothers, to be his boys and his friends. I have no idea how any of that will go and it hurts me to think it might not go the way I want it to. My friends are family, I grew up with them in my life and the person I choose to spend time with in a relationship I want them to be just as accepted into the people who feel like home to me. They are people who I plan to have in my future and it is important to me that I am with someone who can see them in their future as well.

Maybe it’s just me who feels so in need to complete so much and to make so much of the time around her and maybe that’s why no one has understood why I didn’t want to get locked into this routine of movies and dinners and the same dates over and over. I’m a home body sometimes sure but mostly I like exploring I like adventure and I like someone who is going to give me that sense of adventure and freedom.

Maybe it’s the wrong way to look at things and maybe finding someone who is secure and stable is the key to success but why can’t I have that plus the adventure, I kind of love the feeling of the unknown, I love the chase and I love the battle and maybe I love a little bit of the bad boy vibe.

Honestly it’s not even maybe or kind of, I crave it.

Don’t get me wrong I know that’s probably not what makes up a loving and long term relationship and maybe that’s not the kind of guy who is marriage material but it’s the kind of guy who gets me addicted.

Maybe it isn’t commitment I am afraid of; maybe it’s the fear of missing out on all the adventure’s I have yet to begin….

I am afraid of not actually living my life… It’s terrifying. To think I’ll live my life in one place and get stuck, I am so incredible afraid of being stuck. I want to be old and grey with the man I love sitting beside me old and grey as well but I want to be able to talk about all the amazing things I did and he did and we did together. I’m fighting the best I can to be the kind of person I want to be and to be with the kind of person I think I need in my life and I’m just hoping that I make the right decisions along the way.

Hopefully one day I’ll be old and grey and be one hundred percent happy with the kind of life I had and hopefully I will have no regrets… Until then, we’ll see what happens I guess.

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