People come and go this is a term of life I have found comfort and familiarity with. Not everyone sticks around and according to the early years of Payton Sawyer, “People always leave.” Maybe there’s some truth there, friendships you thought would last a life time slowly derail and sometimes blood isn’t enough to keep them around in your life. People leave, more often than not but that doesn’t make it okay for you to never let someone in.
Yes there is a chance that they will make you a part of their world, a part of their family, and then bail on you and yea it’s shitty, but in a perfect world the risk is always worth the outcome. Payton and Lucas didn’t make it the first time around, he was in Tree Hill, she was in California but eventually they found their way. I’m aware I’m quoting the love story from a tv show but this is a great show okay don’t judge me. This world isn’t perfect and maybe the risk won’t be worth it in your eyes but the lesson may be. I realized that I have this nasty habit of not letting people in and of constantly running from things that require more than a 2 week commitment period, other than a job.
I don’t do well with letting people find comfortable places in my life and maybe it’s because of some of my past relationship’s but really it’s just a lot to do with me and this guard I put up to defend myself. I use Payton and Lucas as an example but I’m not remotely like Payton I’m Brooke all the way and I think in so many ways that’s worse but it is what it is and Brooke figure’s it out in the end.
I haven’t seemed to quite figure it out yet, how to stay. Although at the moment I think my efforts have been pretty valid and consecutive but the situation we’re in leaves me to think that we’re honestly just wasting each other’s time. He won’t do long distance and there’s really no other option with us. He asks what I think about us and part of me wants to ask if there even is an us, the other part of me thinks that us could maybe actually work this out. I honestly have no idea why we are the way we are. We face time every night and talk all day and currently I think that even though it’s been two months and I haven’t found a reason to run for the hills, maybe I should. Maybe the person I’ve chosen to stick around for this time was the wrong choice. It sounds bad but only because he’s actually great and this, whatever we are right now is probably the extent of what we are ever going to be.
Honestly, I’m not really worried about the whole getting hurt part mostly because you know how I am; I won’t sit around dwelling on it like all other girls do. But the whole being in limbo does bother me a bit; can I talk to other guys? Can he talk to other girls? Like what are we, because I don’t even think we could define it if we wanted to. Do I want to talk to other guys? No not really. Do I want him talking to other girls? No not really. But should we basically be committed to one another when in reality, he isn’t my boyfriend, I can do what I want and vice versa. It all boils down to is he worth it, or is he not. Am I worth it to him, or am I not.
Running has always been my friend before and maybe it’s because I hadn’t met someone I thought was worth staying for but I really don’t think that’s why. I’ve bailed on many really good men who could have been the kind of boyfriend you should be proud to bring home. I think it’s the fact that I cannot seem to get over the fear of not being enough.
The fear that you can do better, I know it and maybe you do too. It terrifies me. And not only that you can do better but that I can do better too. A lot of times I think I deserve more. I see my friends and family members get into these committed relationships and sometimes I think that’s what I want but when I get someone who is amazing suddenly I lose any want to have anyone but myself to answer to. I go from being completely interested to not at all and I convince myself that this is no longer what I want. I stand by not being one of those women who needs a relationship or someone in her life but I don’t stand by pushing away everyone who gets close to me or tries to. I know that some time’s I’m going to get hurt and I am going to have to find a way to get back up again but my current method might not be the best solution.
So maybe people don’t always leave or maybe they do but maybe if I stopped leaving and stuck around long enough for once I would figure it out for myself.